I think I can say, without being too vain, that generally I'm a confident person. I don't take things that are said about me to heart too much. I don't find identity in other people or what I do, but recognise that my identity is in being the best that I can be. I find security in my faith and am fortunate to feel loved by family and friends.
But … I am finding that when it comes to blogging, my confidence is pretty low. In fact if my blogging personae was a human, it would drooping shoulders, big sad eyes, shuffling feet and it would find maintaining eye contact difficult. Plus its body would be a bit battered and bruised.
Blogging is hard work if you would like your blog to be noticed.
There are so many great high quality blogs out there. They are flashy, inspiring, funny, beautiful, stunning or funky. Or all of the above. When they blog, there are at least 50 comments and they have multitudes of followers on Twitter and Facebook. And they actually understand how Google Plus works and have many people in their circles! (However does that happen?) Their words don't have spelling, punctuation and grammar mistakes. They review cool stuff, have incredible giveaways and travel. Plus they get paid great money! They have sponsors. They are hot property.They are wanted. People are eager to read what they say.
And then there's me. Sitting at my computer, clothing covered in snot, there might be a spot of poo, but let's ignore it if there is. Generally there are children lurking in corners. They are supposed to be sleeping, since it's the evening. But suddenly they appear, and the flow is destroyed. Sometimes I'm covertly blogging during the daytime which makes me feel guilt that I'm not spending time with my kids, but I really want to get a post written to meet my self imposed quota so I don't lose momentum because I know that I will not get anything written at night because I have other commitments or will just be too tired. Or be interrupted by small people.
I'm a nice person and a friendly blogger. I follow, I like, I comment. Sometimes it comes back. (And thank you for the beautiful, generous people who regularly communicate via Social Media.) But not as much as I give out. Where's the Karma?
I try to post more on my Caitlin's Happy Heart Facebook page, which means my personal page is getting less active. But you know that Facebook algorithm. It's a killer. And twitter. Oh my goodness, if there's anything that kills one's self esteem. It's Twitter. So lonely. I follow so many, yet it seems only PR companies what to follow me, yet they're not forthcoming with any offers. (But heck, I'm still glad they follow me. Because quite frankly, it's embarrassing to have such a measly following population. And it's not like Facebook. In my regional area, people don't use twitter, so I don't even have friends to boost my numbers!)
Instagram. Such fun. Yet whispering in the back of mind is that ever present social media doubt. "Do I post too many photos of my kids?", "Do they see my messy house in the background?", "Why don't they follow me back?""If only I had more following then I have followers…", "I'm nowhere as cool as that…" etc. etc.
I have people who think I'm a blogging superstar. Which is very flattering. But at the same time my negative thoughts are swirling. "They have no idea how big the blogging world is. They don't know how insignificant I am."
So here's the thing with blogging. I don't ever expect to hit the big time. I don't expect to make a full time income from blogging, although the thought of it is not entirely unattractive. But, I would like to make some money to cover this hobby. You know, I'm married to The Accountant for crying out loud. He would be so much happier when he saw me at the computer if he knew that there was monetary benefits. Not that I ever want to compromise my blog and become another cog in the massive global PR machine. If I made some money, I might get permission for a design makeover which would be nice for us all.** (Although I've very grateful for the sweet friend who did my current look.)
**Now even more so after my blog got 'broke' by that damned advertising spam virus.
I'm signed up to go to the ProBlogger Conference in August. I did it on a whim when I heard my very cool friend Belinda from B Being Cool was going. Last she had gone and I spent the days preceding and during stalking all the PBEvent hashtags. After I had booked the tickets I started looking at all the other bloggers that were going, I just about wet my pants. (Post baby incontinence is a dreadful burden during emotional moments like this.) "Everyone" had so many followers, except a few new bloggers, they were more around my level, but heck, I've been doing this since 2010. Thank goodness I can blame the triplets somewhat for my low numbers.
I am now officially scared to be going. My low blogging self confidence is whispering that I have no right going, and with my lack of time to blog I'm never going to get anywhere with my blog.
|And for your viewing pleasure, one last late night frustrated blogger iMac selfie. But do note, the fab shirt. I plan to blog about this as soon as I can! Stay tuned!|
The real me is more optimistic and think that I surely I have a few of the necessary ingredients to make something of this blogging caper. Somehow. And if it does fail, I will have had a nice break from the kids in a lovely hotel, which provides a AHMAZING brekky. If I'm too depressed I plan to overdose on croissants, bircher muesli, bacon and eggs.
My constant foe to blogging is real life. Real life sucks all my blogging time away. It gives me a zillion ideas for absolutely stellar posts and zero times to write all these fabulous stories, advice or monologues down. But real life is where I am happy, where I feel loved, where I laugh (and sometimes cry) and where I am Caitlin, the Caitlin who is confident and has a Happy Heart.
Despite the battering my confidence gets through my blog, I love this little spot dearly. I love my readers enormously, every single one. My numbers may be small, but I am so motivated to keep writing to this little crowd. It's better then my writing being stored in a diary that is found after I die and read only by my nearest and dearest all too late. The knowledge that people are reading my words, and perhaps even being inspired or laughing is one of my delights in life. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart. And thank you for waiting patiently in between each post and giving me the chance to live in the real world and online. Perhaps one day this little blog will find some wings and my blogger confidence will soar. But in the meantime I just need to let go of the frustration and embrace the delights of having this little writing corner.